You know the way so many people have some degree of emotional problems they don't know how to deal with... and the way they cover the problems up is by layering a million defense layers over them like the layers of an onion?
I am such a frigging onion.
One day I hope to attend one of those sessions I have read so much about where your onion layers get peeled down until you're all fresh and clean and happy and ready to love again.
Must. Learn. To. Accept. Self. As. Not. Everyone. Is. Meant. To. Be. A. Rake.
Stop being so scared of humiliation, because if you're not prepared to take the risk of a let down then you may NEVER KNOW what might have happened and you may be LONELY for a very long time.
Also, you may end up with a complete prick who has complete control over you because you never had the courage to lead and instead you chose to be led.
In fact, I am such an onion I can't see through my layers to even have the slightest idea why I am so afraid of... men?
Well, the advice of tonight is that if you like someone you should tell them. If I had done this three years ago I might have been happily married, sat in some pub in Huddersfield not bothering to take a degree in asking why.
Instead, feelings were never exchanged and ridiculous cover-up schemes were planned on my behalf so the guy I wanted to get with wouldn't know that I liked him.
I'll make that one clear shall I? Yes:
I liked a guy, but no way was I going to let him know. Ever.
WHERE'S THE SENSE IN THAT?
Fear of rejection is where the sense is. But this needs to end or else the same thing is likely to happen again and again and AGAIN until I am an old lady nursing eighty-five cats and oodles of mental health medication to boot.
I'm actually serious - the realization hit me like a big fat garamut slit-gong some time this afternoon as I was walking through Lagan Meadows, dying in the heat:
I HAVE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND. I AM NEARLY TWENTY.
WHY, do I never say yes when I am asked out, & WHY, do I never let anyone know that I like them?
Something needs to be sorted regarding the way I'm going about all this stuff because it seems to me that this trait I have is not proving very useful.
But HALT... one second... do I actually WANT a 'relationship'?
Oh goodness: I don't know.
But life will go on and tomorrow I will be back to normal, doing normal things like eating without a plate and thinking normal thoughts like 'imagine if that plane suddenly falls out of the sky - I hope Christie's not in it just in case'.
Well... I shouldn't set deadlines but I am momentously concerned that if I haven't met anyone by the age of 25 then I'm just going to start hopelessly rolling around on the ground, a failure to society.
Don't be so silly, girl! Get your act together right? Maybe take a leaf out of the book of those friends of yours that you think are so 'big-headed' - they have clearly got the knack, guys are flocking around their holy wrath, and it's not even about looks here.
It's not that much about looks, grr... please take note, Katie's ego!
lolz u silly over-sensitive little dexterous onion, u!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Katie - I have so much to say about this... I'm going to take each little section and then respond. However, I need a shower.right.now. So I'll do it once the rinse and repeat cycle is done, in about 40 mins :) xxx
ReplyDeleteI like... we are alike... the difference between what one says and what one does is evident in my life!
ReplyDeleteLet us begin...
ReplyDeleteFirst, you are absolutely correct – everyone has some degree of emotional problems. Anyone who comes across as perfect is just lying and some people are really good at it.
Maybe one day those layers will be peeled away – but until then, think of them as something good. Layers show complexity and the ability to feel on a deeper level. Anyone worth having will appreciate and love all the layers, even the bad ones.
Not everyone is meant to be a rake. I couldn’t have said it better myself. One day I realised that I will never have Jessica Alba’s body, you know why? Because it’s her body. We can appreciate that someone has nice eyes but we wouldn’t destroy ourselves and our self confidence to try and obtain matching eyes, so why do it with a body? This is the body I have and while it’s not perfect and many a treadmill hours are needed for it to be the way it should be, it’s still mine and that’s fine – it’s all about being happy in your own body, even if it isn’t perfect.
Men aren’t scary – it’s the idea of being completely defenceless around someone else that’s scary, it’s just than men usually come along with this.
I think that everything happens for a reason. Maybe you should have told that person in Hudds. that you liked them and maybe you would be married. But the thing is, that’s not what happened. You made a different decision and I really do think that you made that decision for a reason – it’s one of those things, you’ll won’t know you made the right decision until you know, which could be in six months or six years. But trust me, something will happen and you will think back and be glad that your life took the path it did.
As for all the relationship stuff... Boyfriends aren’t the be all and end all of the world. I can’t believe that I said that, you know how much I love men, but it’s true. You don’t need anyone to define you Miss Wallis and neither do I. Sometimes I think about that, do I really want a relationship? For a while I didn’t like anyone and I was really worried, I thought people were attractive but I was never attracted to them. But then I met someone I really liked and everything changed. There was no doubt in my mind – I wanted to be in a relationship with him and when I was it felt right. It’s just one of those things, you know when you know.
If you fancy rolling around on the ground then I’ll join you. I just keep thinking that everything happens for a reason and when something’s meant to happen it will happen. Literally that belief is the only thing that makes waiting bearable.
At this point in our lives, with university and hormones and all that sillyness, it really isn’t about looks. One day these boys will become men and they’ll have a little perspective. Not that you’d be in any trouble if it was about looks, you’re lovely, just the way you are – face, body, personality, brain, everything and any man would be ridiculously lucky to have you!
Sorry for going crazy there, it’s just that I think about this sort of stuff too... It’s easy to say “don’t worry” or “everything happens for a reason” – easier said than done, eh? I don’t know what I’m on about really, I just know that I like you and I like me and I think that you should like yourself too, especially all those onion layers, because they make you who you are :)
In the words of Dr Seuss – Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind :) xxx
Katie if you'd have told that guy in Huddersfield that you liked him, you would never have met us. this would have been disastrous and detrimental to all of our healths.
ReplyDeleteIn agreement with Gina, I like/hope i have layers. Life is just more interesting that way, not simpler but who wants simple and who wants perfect? BORING, personally I like a bit of weird.
Also the rake thing, again in total agreement with Gina. My dream of ever being thin was shattered by my father at the age of 11 when he informed me in the language of a GP that due to the structure of my DNA and on the basis of our family history, taking into consideration our slow metabolism and generational hatred towards any form of exercise - I WOULD NEVER BE A RAKE. So my ethic - eat to ease the pain, if i can't be thin why bother trying! So far I think its done me the world of good, I've surely eaten a whole range of the most wonderful chocolate related food items this globe has to offer, and i didn't feel one bit guilty about it. Why? Genetics.
Ha this is all probably complete crap but it makes me feel better, most thin people are just the blessed with naturally amazing figures that will never alter, but again personally I prefer curves. Always found the boy frame a bit unappealing to be honest and definitely couldn't imagine having it myself. Also, I shall fair much better in child birth due to my already rather large hips. I'll take the hips in exchange for the pain!
sorry to ramble!
love
xxx