I wonder if Roger is still alive.

During my first year of A-Level music, we had this teacher called Roger. He was really random, and I think we learned more about life than music in his lessons. A particular quote from Roger was this: 'You always get what you want. Your subconscious rightfully determines what energies, experiences, and people you attract - therefore, the only foolproof way to know what you want is to see what you have. There are no victims, only students'.

Now, I remember sitting in his lesson when he said this, right next to the guy I proper proper PROPER fancied. The quote seemed like a load of bullshit at the time because I wanted this guy but I was quite sure I couldn't have him because there was no way I was ever going to let him know and he was shy too so we were probably NEVER going to say anything even if he did like me and maybe I was OK back then because I had finally managed to get contact lenses and it was in a nice acne free/ underweight/ unaware of gapped teeth because I hadn't met Gina zone but he probably knew I was pale underneath all that fake tan and I was convinced nothing could hide my nose or that funny football-head-inducing bone structure so whatever, anyway...

I guess I really WAS a student. Not a victim, a student. I cannot begin to say how much more I have learned since then. Roger also went on to say that 'a lesson is repeated until learned. It is presented to you in various forms until you learn it - then you can go on to the next lesson'. Now I have really had a big fat think about what it is I really DO want, and I think what I want has changed.

Back then, it's highly likely that I wanted the chase more than the catch, 9-5 A-Levels at college Monday to Friday, a job in a restaurant all day Saturday, a job in a posh department store on a Sunday so I had enough money to go out Wednesday Friday Saturday gym membership hey let's try some drugs get wasted piano lessons driving lessons drink cider before college spray tans manicures pedicures poker straight hair the single life high heels take pills don't come home 'til 10am busy busy busy all the time MUST be busy all the time work play laugh social life but make sure you're still a prude.

Suddenly it was all heart broken quit your jobs what is this acne weight gain too stressed too busy why can't I learn to drive like everyone else don't want to wear make-up any more gives me bad skin must go T-total alcohol gives me bad skin oh I'll go vegetarian too because meat gives me bad skin too no more drugs ever again all right before I go on a girl's holiday to Zante where there will be so much meat and alcohol ha ha get a place at Leeds uni and drop out after 1 day take an unplanned gap year work at Shoe Zone Castle Hill School Elland Golf Club Texas Chicken and don't last long at any of these jobs because you are a neurotic rebel yes yes indeed defo start drinking again ooh roast beef yes please fail piano diploma fail driving tests fail diet.

Too much failure have to get away from this place ooh Ireland ooh Anthropology let's not think about it beforehand I'm going I don't give a shit I'm not dropping out this time see ya bye never coming back well maybe I will and immediately another year has passed and it's summer 2010 and I'm wondering what I'm going to do with my life but I don't mind even though I'm finding it hard to get over the fact that I really am a bum at the moment with only driving lessons on my to do list.

However, none of this would have happened if I had just taken a look at what I 'had' at the time. I have decided that for a long time all I have wanted is security, to be adored, to feel safe, someone to talk bollocks with. This has been available to me since the earlier part of that beasty gap year... I've got contact lenses, sometimes I just wonder if I'm using them. Chasing after BOYS (because by no means were they men) who treat you like trash? Nah.

My mind has been clear for a few months now, thank cheese and bread. Finally, someone who loves me for me. FINALLY, as we realise it's not about looks in the SLIGHTEST. We are born the way we are, didn't choose to be born that way as Roger also said: 'You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's the only thing you are sure to keep for the rest of your life'. Cheerz Rog. Everyone's different... tis just a quest.

I do have to regularly remind myself of these things. Repetition... just like how I learn to do a reverse park. Hmm. Must also remember this: 'If you don't learn easy lessons, they get harder. External problems are a precise reflection of your internal state. When you clear inner obstructions, your outside world changes. Pain is how the universe gets your attention'.

Oh, hmmm! Definitely another coping mechanism alert.
Another repeated note to self: Everything happens for a reason. Damn to the fucking right!